He Roimata, he Hupe...

Mum,

Three weeks ago this Wednesday, you took your last breath and as you left to cross the veil, my world, our world, is now a lot less rich and a lot less colourful without you in it. I’ve come down with the flu since we took you to lie at our family urupa, Oikimoke and it’s my first one I've had in so many years!  I celebrate it because in the last few years it's been hectic for me, health-wise, as you well know.  

It’s comforting to know you’re nearby so when I came to see you, you became the fortunate (or nonchalant) recipient of a whole range of my emotions. We were Mack-truck hit by the shock of losing you and it's since been a whirlwind. When people talk about the experience of losing a loved one you frequently hear the expression “everything was just a blur” and it really is no exaggeration. I can authentically empathise now. Time just stands still. It’s like that scene in a movie when the voices of all the peripheral characters become muffled and eventually dim as you process the gravity of the statements delivered by the ICU consultant.
“Increased support on machines.”
“70% oxygen.”
“Call your brothers....”
I recall only vaguely who I had conversations with and what about that day. I remember who was there but not, with any distinction, what I said or agreed to and all the while my heart was breaking...

Until today I’ve been in a state of disbelief. Not wanting to believe the truth.
Until today I have refused to visit you for it meant it was all too real.
But today, as I bent, doubled over at the foot of your grave, I didn’t think I would feel this almost physical, wrenching pain. My response...well...it was as I expected. Mostly an outpouring of bad-ass anger, wailing and ALL the tears of Ranginui, our Sky Father. But mostly wailing. I suspect I would do well at an Irish wake.
But boy oh boy, this pain. Like a steel vice, a slow but violent subduing of my heart and its beat. At times it was as if I couldn’t breathe my usual, deep belly breaths and my stomach felt like a large rock had settled there, impervious, never to dissolve. I was in fight or flight mode. Scared witless but helpless to act and my eyes constantly scanned the room for an anchor to tether myself to. 
Were it not for the amazing support of our whānau and friends during the hospital stay, your tangi and the subsequent weeks, things might have been very different. You would have been chuffed though because you've always supported people who go through hard times just like this so it was only natural that your family and our friends rallied around us in a collective outpouring of grief.

Deep down, I know I’ll get through this heartache. It will take time. Knowing that you’re not a phone call away is one of the hardest things to bear. That we won’t talk nearly every single day just as we used to. Or go out for coffee. Or to garage sales. Or to lunch. That you’re just not there in my life. Or our babies lives. Anymore. Ever!  Well....physically at least.

I ask that you please come to visit me in my dreams not so much to let me know you’re alright because I already know that you are. Just drop in and say “Hi”👋🏽

You were a magnet. You always attracted people to yourself who possessed inner resolve but most of the time they weren't aware of it. Perhaps that's why I chose you to be my Mum.  You helped me to discover and nurture that strength. I also know that in you leaving us to fend for ourselves, we are to find our own personal power. To be resolute, to find the strength to accept what IS and to continue to support one another (all of us that are grieving the loss of YOU) just as you would have done for many others once upon a time.
I’m grateful for that. I always will be.

“The sun will come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinking about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!”

Love you endlessly
Your Sweet 💜💜💜

And so it begins....

Tihei Mauriora!

"Now is the time!  Now is the time to return to life, to air, to light!  This is the test!  The extent to which I have dared to penetrate this twilight realm must be equalled by my desire to return to the element that sustains life.  There I will breathe the hungry first breath of a newborn child." - Short film "Hectometre" produced by William Trubridge and directed by Matthew Brown excerpt from the book 'Oxygen' by William Trubridge 

My friends, 

Before I start I’d like to thank a number of people in my life that, without them….well I’d still be here, but not aspiring to live and be, the highest ideal of myself and least of all, not writing this blog! 

Firstly, my parents and step-parents Priscilla and Derek and Korau and Cis, my siblings and my wider whanau (family) and a network of friends (they know who they are) to whom I will always be grateful for your unwavering support.
A huge chip of gratitude must go to my husband Rob and my three children Jackson, Mokoia and Robert.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  Your unconditional love and understanding has meant so much to me and know, with the most sincerity, I am forever blessed to have you all in my life.

I love you all. 

Anyhooo!  The quote above from fellow Kiwi, William Trubridge, world champion and double world record holding freediver, resonated with me so much because it's a Declaration.  It's a succinct analogy of my life.  My here and now.  A statement to the world, that I have taken the first step on a journey towards a new life.  A life that I am ready for and willingly embrace!  This blog is a collection of some of my musings of life.  I am unapologetic if you do not get me or what I say doesn't resonate with you because ultimately I write for ME.  And as my 8 year old would say; "that's just life right?"
I hope I can, in some way, shape or form, inspire you to action, take on a different perspective, challenge the status quo, or consider a paradigm shift.  All of which involve CHANGE of some sort.
My blog doesn’t follow any specific dogma, religious or spiritual practices or doctrines.  It's more of a mish-mash of my thoughts, reflections, projections, musings and opinions that I've journaled over the last three, going on four years and have now (finally!) plucked up the courage to share with you.  I'll be honest and say that much of my REAL and RELEVANT learning started in my late 30s.  (ahem, can anyone say "MidLife Crisis"?).   Now a self-proclaimed, dedicated lifelong learner.  Readers, feel free to pull me up when I waiver from any learning opportunity that's gone over my head.  I'll try my darndest not to contradict myself and stay true to my path.  When the feeling grabs me, you'll find throughout the blog, I'll cite quotes or passages of speech from various influential and world-renowned leaders in the fields of business, philosophy, psychology, spirituality, religion, sports, the arts, entertainment and even from within the political arena.  These passages of (in my humble opinion) enlightened speech will, by and large, comprise the theme of each blog.
I want to provide YOU, with some insight, to provoke the ole grey matter and ultimately get you questioning your own "Why"' much like I have done the last 3 and a half years and what Changes (if any) you may want to pursue to get you there or start you on your own journey.  I make no assurances.  All I can hope is that you'll enjoy the reads and take something from each blog.  Or not!
'Uhuh', I hear you say; 'Paula, "mish-mash" doesn't sound very organised or inspiring!'.  Point taken.  The intent of this blog is an organic one. To provide growth for its readers and myself as the author.  You take only what you need from it and move on or continue to read.  Simple!
Whether you choose to adhere to my uncomplicated rhetoric and then stride along the path towards your own spiritual, emotional, or physical wellness is up to you.  If you’re reading this it really is no coincidence but evidence that you too have taken that first breath.  Congratulations.

Stay connected x

Oh wow, after all that, I forgot to introduce myself:
Paula Beilby,  Owner of Beilby Energy Therapy, yoga enthusiast, energy alignment gal, eLancer, Change merchant, Full-time wife, mum and feel-good activist!